


It's Not a Boy, Girl Thing

by Midnightsnow88



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Hogwarts Seventh Year, Polyjuice Potion, Riddikulus Fest 2019, Voldemort is dead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-11-23 06:22:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18148241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Midnightsnow88/pseuds/Midnightsnow88
Summary: Prompt:A freak accident traps Hermione and Draco in a single body.It's not Freaky Friday and it's not A Boy, Girl Thing. It's an evening of awkwardness, adventure and two students who can't stand each other having to put their differences aside so they don't strangle each other... well themselves.Wrote for Riddikulus Fest 2019.





	It's Not a Boy, Girl Thing

**Author's Note:**

> Context: In my universe, Draco has never called Hermione a "mudblood", although they don't get along due to their clashing personalities and Draco's constant teasing. I explain later in the story about what happened to Voldemort, but their relationship isn't as turbulent as it is in the books. Remember this is an alternate universe, so the characters will be slightly different, although hopefully not completely out of character.
> 
> Hermione's thoughts are shown in bold, and Draco's are in italics.
> 
> This story is just a bit of light-hearted fun, and I hope you all enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!

  
 

  
”Mister Longbottom I know you are inept in the art of potions and struggle with all things in your pathetic life, but STOP adding more Lacewings!”, Professor Snape’s voice boomed over the noise of the bubbling cauldrons at the 7th year’s mock examination for their Potion NEWT.

  
  
Hermione jumped from noise which had broken the concentrated silence that had descended over the Advanced Potions class. And in doing so, dropped a whole handful of lacewings in her cauldron as well.

  
  
"Merlin damm it", she muttered, furiously stirring the cauldron and picking up her wand to try and save her Polyjuice Potion.

  
  
She had made and perfected Polyjuice Potion in her second year when her, Harry and Ron had the brilliant idea to Polyjuice themselves as Hufflepuffs to sneak into their common room for reasons that made sense at the time. Of course, she had failed at the final hurdle back then and had added a hair from Megan Jones's cloak and had subsequently turned into a giant fluffy dog/human hybrid, since she had accidentally used a hair from Megan's Labrador from back home.

  
  
The potion was easy enough for Hermione, but now she had to quickly think of how to counter-act the higher dose of lacewings.

  
  
A BOOM from the other side of the room, caused her to duck along with the rest of the class, as Neville’s cauldron exploded.

  
  
Luckily nothing exploded out of his cauldron as Professor Snape cast a protective bubble over it to contain the blast.

  
  
”And that is precisely why you should not be in my class Longbottom! I do not care you need this NEWT for your career in Herbology, you will not-”

  
  
Professor Snape was cut off as Hermione’s cauldron let out a loud gurgle, exploded and tipped over the edge of the desk flying towards her face as she crouched on the stone floor.

 

Hermione let out a shriek and leaped across the aisle and collided with Draco Malfoy.

  
  
The contents of the potion splashed and flooded the floor in a wide radius as the rest of the class leaped out of the way and clambered on top of their desks before it could reach them.

  
  
Hermione was not so lucky, as after colliding with Malfoy she was pushed roughly off his body by him to splash directly into the potion. Malfoy subsequently lost his footing in the liquid, and the momentum knocked him back to the floor on top of Hermione.

  
  
Professor Snape began to wave his wand to vanish Hermione's botched potion, but Neville’s cauldron was still bubbling uncontrollably, and with a massive BOOM it managed to break the protective dome. It exploded directly on top of Hermione and Draco, dousing them in the thick green liquid.

  
  
Hermione shrieked again and the liquid splashed into her mouth. Draco swore loudly and spluttered, as he too swallowed some of the liquid.

  
  
Hermione could feel the potion from the floor seeping into her skin since Malfoy still had her pinned underneath him. Neville's potion had splashed over her face and she choked down the potion to breath. Hermione pushed Malfoy off her easily and rolled onto her front and continued to cough up the potion, that tasted as disgusting as she remembered. 

  
  
Professor Snape was the picture of fury as he ordered the rest of the class to evacuate the room and vanished all the potions and cauldrons in the room, before turning to look down on them.

 

Hermione felt the tell-tale signs of her body stretching and morphing, as the potion worked to change her into someone different. Hermione looked to her left to see if Malfoy was changing too, but before she could fully turn her head, a flash of light blinded her and she promptly fell unconscious.

 

* * *

  
  
  
Hermione awoke on crisp cotton sheets, in what she assumed to be the hospital wing. She felt a hand on her face and jumped only to find it was her own.

  
  
****Weird, it didn’t feel like I had moved it…** **

  
  
_Who the hell is that?!_  A voice shouted in her head.

  
  
Hermione screamed and threw herself off the cot.

  
  
_OWWW! WHAT THE HELL!_  The voice shouted again.

  
  
****Who are you?****  Hermione asked.

  
  
_Who are you?!_  The voice answered.

  
  
****I’m Hermione Granger.** **

  
  
_What the FUCK are you doing in my head, Granger!_

  
  
****MALFOY?** **

  
  
_YES. NOW GET THE FUCK OUT._

  
  
****You’re in my head! You get out!** **

  
  
_Listen here you frizzy-haired swot, I don’t know what you’re-_

  
  
****No you listen here FERRET, something must have happened in class when we landed in the potion-.** **

  
  
_YOU LISTEN HERE-_

  
  
****STOP SHOUTING IN MY HEAD. IT FUCKING HURTS.** **

  
  
_NO I WILL NOT YOU ANNOYING BITCH  
_

  
  
****FUCK YOU FERRET** **

  
  
”Ah Miss Granger, Mister Malfoy, it seems we have quite a pickle here,” Dumbledore’s voice across from her startled Hermione out of her internal shouting match with the most annoying prick ever.

  
  
"Oh, Headmaster Dumbledore-"

  
  
Hermione stopped at the sound of her voice. It sounded huskier. She chalked it up sounding different after being in an accident and continued only to find herself still talking.

  
  
”Dumbledore why is Granger in my head!” she shouted.

  
  
****Did she say that?** **

  
  
_No, I did you harpy_

  
  
****Stop listening to my thoughts troll** **

  
  
_Troll! Ha! With your hair, I think you'll find that you are the troll!_

  
  
Hermione decided to try to ignore his voice and looked to Dumbledore. Dumbledore would know what to do.

  
  
The Headmaster was looking at her with a strange expression on his face- half amusement and half wonder.

  
  
”Extraordinary. I wonder if this has ever happened before…” he trailed off muttering happily to himself.

  
  
_Stupid old goat_.

  
  
****Hey you leave him alone!** **

  
  
Malfoy scoffed and Hermione could imagine him rolling his eyes.

  
  
_You bet I am._

  
  
****Wait… where are you?****  Hermione asked glancing around the empty hospital wing.

  
  
_I’m here, where are you?_

  
  
Hermione’s head suddenly whipped around the other way and she shrieked clutching her head to keep it still.

  
  
_STOP SHRIEKING YOU BANSHEE_

  
  
****Are you controlling my body as well?** **

  
  
_No! I’m controlling mine._

  
  
****No you're not, this is my body!** **

  
  
_It most certainly is not!_

  
  
Dumbledore must have finished happily talking to himself, as he looked Hermione deep in the eyes.

  
  
”Miss Granger, Mister Malfoy, please do not react with haste when I show you your reflection. Be assured we will find a way to fix this”, Dumbledore said seriously, before happily adding, “Or the potion will wear off in 12 hours.”

  
  
Hermione sat wide-eyed, still on the floor, as Dumbledore conjured a long free-standing mirror.

  
  
Hermione clumsily pushed to her feet and touched the mirror with her fingertips.

  
  
Looking back at her with wide terrified eyes was certainly not herself.

  
  
The girl in the reflection was at least a foot taller, she had white-blonde silky curls that hung down her back. Her eyes were a mix of grey, blue, gold and brown, that seemed to swirl together in a cyclone. Her body, which previously was petite, now was willowy. Her complexion had cleared to pale porcelain, and her nose had got slightly longer to make her features seem more graceful. Hermione still had her full pouty lips and her breast size, but the reflection was definitely not her. 

  
  
”Wha-”

  
  
”Miss Granger?”, Dumbledore asked softly.

  
  
Hermione turned her head away from the reflection and looked at Dumbledore still in shock.

  
  
”Can you hear Mister Malfoy right now?”

  
  
Hermione shook her head and returned to looking at the reflection.

  
  
”Probably for the best. I imagine the shock has caused him to faint. While he is ‘asleep’ I will explain what I think has happened to you both”, Dumbledore said sitting in a chair beside the cot, and motioning for Hermione to sit back down.

  
  
Hermione did so and tried to tear her gaze away from the mirror. For good measure, Dumbledore vanished it and fixed her with a small smile to try and calm her.

  
  
"It seems the combination of your Polyjuice Potion and Mister Longbottom's has caused this unusual accident. As you were both in the final stages of making the potion and were only adding lacewings, I assume that the body you now inhabit is one merged with Mister Malfoy. The body seems to have taken DNA from both of you to make this hybrid, a bit like what happened to you in second year Miss Granger."

  
  
Hermione’s cheeks glowed red at the reminder, and she fought to not hang her head in embarrassment.

  
  
”But sir, if we have somehow fused together, where is the rest of us?”

  
  
”I’m not entirely sure my dear. Magic is a great, and sometimes, mysterious thing. I have no doubt that you will return to your body in no more than 12 hours, as will Mister Malfoy. The most skilfully brewed Polyjuice Potion would wear off, without being ingested again, by 12 hours.”

  
  
Hermione nodded dazedly as she tried to wrap her analytical brain around what had happened.

  
  
”Sir, I can hear Malfoy in my- _our_ \- head. Do we both have control of this body or just one half each?”

  
  
Dumbledore stroked his beard in thought, "We will have to find out when Mister Malfoy awakes from his nap," he smiled happily and leaned over to offer Hermione a sherbet lemon from his pocket.

  
  
Hermione groaned and cradled her head in her hands. Or was it 'their head, in their hands'...

  
  
This was most definitely going to be the worst day of her life.

 

* * *

  
  
After a cursorily check that Hermione still had the rest of her lady bits down south, she laid back on the cot and enjoyed the silence while it lasted.

 

Dumbledore had left after telling her that her friends and Malfoy’s had been informed of them both being quarantined after the Polyjuice accident, and if they both wished it, they could stay in the hospital wing for the rest of the day until they got their bodies back.

  
  
Hermione thought this was the best plan of action since she didn’t fancy anyone seeing her new “body” she now shared with the 'Slytherin Prince'.

  
  
Her thoughts were interrupted by a groan in her head.

  
  
_Oh, thank Merlin it was all a nightmare._

  
  
****Nope.** **

  
  
_FOR FUCKS SAKE._

  
  
Hermione shot up from the cot, although it was not her that caused 'their' body to do so.

  
  
****Just stop. Stay calm you idiot.** **

  
  
_Stay calm?! Why are you in my head? Where is Dumbledore?_  

  
  
Malfoy continued shouting, and Hermione gritted ‘their’ teeth and tried to ignore him as much as possible.

  
  
****If you would shut up for a minute, I’ll tell you what happened!** **

  
  
_Go on brainiac, what has the wonderful goat explained!_ Malfoy shouted hysterically.

  
  
****Call him his full name or I won’t be telling you anything!** **

  
  
Malfoy growled but miraculously stayed silent.

  
  
****We have merged together or something-** **

  
  
- _MERGED TOGETHER. WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS?!_

  
  
****\- but it should wear off and we should be back in our own bodies in no more than 12 hours Professor Dumbledore thinks** **

  
  
- _THINKS?! HE THINKS?! WAIT UNTIL MY FATHER HEARS ABOUT THIS!_

  
  
****Stop shouting you bloody menace!** **

  
  
_NO, I WILL NOT-_

  
  
Hermione viciously clamped their mouth shut. She could feel Malfoy trying to open it to voice his opinions on Professor Dumbledore out-loud, but she wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.

  
  
Eventually, she stopped struggling with him to gain control of their mouth.  Their hand waved to conjure a hand-held mirror and Malfoy brought it up to their face.

  
__  
_ _ _WHAT THE FUCK…_

  
  
Malfoy was looking at their reflection with a bewildered shocked expression on their face and slowly he raised their other hand to touch their face.

  
  
Hermione didn’t fight his slow, cautious exploration of their face, but when she felt him lower their hand to touch her boobs she lurched their hand away.

  
  
****Hands off, those are mine.** **

  
  
The reflection smirked and tried to do it again, but Hermione forced their hand to stay away.

  
  
****Pack it in Malfoy! The lady bits are mine, so no touching!** **

  
  
The devious smirk got larger as Malfoy tried again, and Hermione pushed the hand down harder.

  
  
_Oh come on Granger, it’s every boy's dream to have boobs and touch them as much as possible_

 _ _  
__  
Hermione let out a sudden and loud laugh that seemed to startle Malfoy as he gave up the attempt to touch her boobs.

  
  
****YOU WANT YOUR- YOUR OWN BOOBS!** **Hermione forced out in their mind, in between great lungfuls of air, while laughing.

  
  
It was a strange sight to see their reflection looking so petulant and moody while laughing at the same time.

  
  
Malfoy raised the hand to wave away the mirror and grabbed one boob while Hermione was distracted.

  
  
****What the hell are-** **

  
  
_Humm juicy  
  
_

  
****GET THE FUCK OFF YOU CREEP** **

  
  
Hermione pushed the hand away and clamped it under their bum.

  
  
_This must be yours as well…_

  
  
Hermione shrieked and whipped their hand back out.

  
_Merlin all you do is shriek. Can you just stop for fuck's sake?_

 ****  
  
** ** ****Then stop touching me!** **

  
  
_It’s not you, it’s us remember._

  
  
Hermione could feel Malfoy waggling their brows.

  
  
****Urghh let's just stay quiet, wait for the hours to pass, and then we can try and forget this ever happened, yes?** **

  
  
_Hmm, I think not. I have quidditch practice soon, and as the captain, I can't just leave my poor team alone._

  
  
****NO. Definitely not. We are not getting on a broom. Cancel it.** **

  
  
_Silly Granger, you think you can stop me going. Go on try it…_ he goaded.

  
  
Hermione forced herself to remain on the cot as Malfoy tried to push them to stand.

  
  
There was a weird couple of minutes of them jerking up and down, trying to sit on the bed and simultaneously rise, before they both gave up and flopped back down on the cot.

  
  
_Come on you’ll drive me insane if we have to stay here alone for “no more than 12 hours”_ , Malfoy quoted in a high-pitched shrill voice in an attempt to imitate Hermione’s.

  
  
****Fine. But no Quidditch practice. We'll go to dinner, then stay in Gryffindor common room until we change back.** **

  
  
_Ha! No fucking way am I going to the lion's poxy common room. We will go to dinner, then Quidditch practice, and then to MY common room until we change back._

  
  
****No-** **

  
  
_Can you just stop! We’ll have to compromise otherwise we will be getting nowhere with your incessant need to shriek and argue 24/7_

  
  
Hermione gritted their teeth.

  
  
_And stop doing that. It’s no wonder your teeth are awful with all the grinding and clenching you do. Fucking loosen up._

  
  
Hermione clenched harder.

  
  
_We better have my teeth or we won’t be talking to anyone. I don’t fancy being mistaken for a beaver-_

   
  
Hermione swung their arm and punched their leg.

  
  
_OW! What was that for?! Doesn’t that hurt you too?_

  
  
****Yes, but it was worth it.** **

 

_Crazy bitch._

  
  
****So this compromise?** **

  
  
_We will go with my plan and I’ll allow you to say hello to the ginger freckled fuck and specky four-eyes_

  
  
****How is that a compromise?!** **

  
__  
_ _ _Because otherwise while you're distracted I'll lift this skirt up in the middle of the Great Hall and show everyone your peachy arse_

  
  
****YOU WOULDN’T!** **

  
  
_Try me._

  
  
****Or we could just stay here?** **

  
  
_No._

  
  
****Fucking fine! Merlin, you'll be lucky I don't strangle us before the 12 hours is up** **

  
  
Hermione glanced down at her watch and noticed dinner had already begun.

  
  
_Oh, I bet them fuckers are eating heavy carbs thinking practice is canceled! Come on we have to stop them_

  
  
****Whatever Batman** **

  
  
_What?_

  
  
****Never mind.** **

 

* * *

  
  
After a completely awkward and disastrous walk to the Great Hall, they arrived at the great oak doors panting. It had taken the walk there to get them both used to working together to move the body in harmony, without them throwing themselves to the floor or stopping to scream at each other internally. They also managed to transfigure Hermione's school uniform to fit their body better, even if Draco wanted it tighter over Hermione's boobs. Also to avoid confusion, they banished any House affiliated items and were just left in a shirt, skirt, tights, and shoes.

  
Hermione sucked in a deep breath and pushed open the doors. The Great Hall got eerily quiet as they clumsily started walking.

  
  
Straight away they both realised that they hadn’t agreed to go to the Slytherin table first.

  
  
****I want to say hello to my friends!** **

  
__  
_ _ _No time is of the essence! I can see Goyle shoveling down potatoes like he is trying to make himself explode in a confetti of mash_

 

****No, you promised** **

  
  
_No, I didn’t_

  
  
The Great Hall watched as the strange girl at the entrance jerked from left to right.

  
  
”Do you think she is okay?” Ginny asked Harry sat next to her.

  
  
”I dunno,” Harry muttered back in confusion.

  
  
Eventually, they saw the girl leap towards the Gryffindor table with a self-satisfied smile. She approached and sat heavily down on Harry's other side.

  
  
”Specky four-eyes”, she greeted him with a smirk.

  
  
She turned her strange eyes on Ron Weasley and said, “Ginger twat.”

  
  
”What the bloody hell!” Ron exclaimed.

  
  
”I’m sorry Ron, Harry”, she said with wide eyes.

  
  
Harry looked at Ron, still confused.

  
  
They looked on perplexed as she flung herself off the bench and staggered towards the Slytherin table.

  
  
”Mental that one,” Ron muttered, returning to his chicken.

  
  
Harry turned to see her sit next to Blaise Zabini and then slap Goyle’s heaped spoonful of mash potatoes out of his hand.

  
  
The noise to the Great Hall returned as people began talking again, just assuming the weird new girl was confused.

  
  
Harry turned back to his food and wondered if Hermione was doing okay in the hospital wing. He wanted to visit her after his Quidditch practice. Unfortunately, Gryffindor had to share the field with Slytherin due to a double booking, but with the final match coming up next week he couldn't re-arrange. At least it looked like Slytherin wouldn't be there with Malfoy missing.

 

* * *

  
  
****You are an absolute arsehole!** **

  
  
_Put a sock in it, Granger. I have to rally the troops_

  
  
"Listen up boys. Quidditch practice is still on and if I see you eat another bite of potatoes Goyle I will punch you in your massive gut!" Draco said for them with a look of warning to the confused and scared Goyle sat next to them.

  
  
****Wow you’re such a great leader  
  
** **

  
_Pfft like you know anything about being a leader_

  
  
”Erm who are you?”, Blaise asked from beside them.

  
  
”Dra-mione”, they blurted out at the same time.

  
  
”Dramione… that’s a strange name…” Blaise said eyeing them up and down with appreciation.

  
  
”Knock it off Blaise,” Draco said with disgust.

  
  
Blaise raised his eyebrows but stayed silent.

  
  
Malfoy made them grab a sandwich and stuffed it into their mouth.

  
  
”I want to see your sorry arses on the pitch in 5,” Malfoy said for them after swallowing, as he pushed them off the bench and walked them out the Great Hall.

  
  
****This is going to be a disaster…** **

  
  
Malfoy rolled their eyes and made them stride out the entrance doors and towards the Quidditch locker rooms.

  
  
****Wait, your costume won’t fit this body** **

  
  
_Costume? It's a uniform, you bloody idiot. We're not doing the Nutcracker you know_

  
  
****You know what the Nutcracker is?** **

  
  
_Of course, I do! I am much more cultured than you_

  
  
Hermione snorted and let Malfoy drag them into the pristine locker rooms.

  
  
****So what are we going to wear?**  
  
**

  
_I’ll just transfigure it for today. Geez, bloody relax!_

  
  
****No, I will not relax! I hate flying! I haven't been on a broom since first year!** **

  
  
She could feel Malfoy pull their face into a gleeful expression

  
  
_Oh you’re going to love this then_  
__  
_ _

* * *

__  
____  
__ After another shouting match of how to transfigure the Quidditch “uniform”, they made their way onto the Quidditch pitch to find the Slytherin team dressed and ready, but looking confused.

  
  
"Alright, lads, 10 laps around the pitch to warm up and then I'm releasing the Bludgers, so you better fly fast because I'm not getting the beaters bats out yet," Malfoy ordered the boys in their husky voice.

  
  
”Erm Dramione, why are you wearing a shirt that says Malfoy on your back?” Blaise asked with one eyebrow raised, as he peered around them.

  
  
****You didn’t.** **

  
  
_I did_

  
  
"Did I ask for questions? No, I did not. That was a rhetorical question Goyle. Look up the word rhetorical later. Get your arses on them brooms now or I'll stick them up somewhere the sun doesn't shine!"

  
  
_Wow, Granger didn't know you had it in you_ , Malfoy sounded vaguely impressed when she took over speaking.

 

****Yeah well let’s just get this over with** **

  
  
They mounted their broom and Malfoy took off vertically with speed.

  
  
Hermione screamed, and the Slytherins followed suit, still very much confused why the strange new girl was ordering them about and screaming on her broom.

  
  
_Sure you’re not part banshee?_

  
  
Hermione didn't stop screaming to reply and continued to clutch the broom with a white-knuckle grip.

  
  
They leveled off and Hermione closed their eyes in terror.

  
  
_I need to see to fly_

  
  
****No, you don't** **

  
  
The broom lurched downwards and Hermione screamed again.

  
  
_Fucks sake Granger, stop it. Give me control of the broom and open your damm eyes!_

  
  
****No thank you.** **

  
  
_Fine, we’ll just fall to our deaths_

  
  
The broom descended sharply again.

  
  
****Fine! Fine!** **

****  
****  
Hermione brought forward her Gryffindor bravery and gingerly allowed him to open their eyes and grip the broom.

  
  
And so an hour was spent in perpetual terror for Hermione, as Malfoy steered them into Quidditch drills and ordered the Slytherins about. When the hour was up, they landed softly and walked to the locker rooms sweaty and exhausted.

  
  
_Now I know why that Chang girl was decent on a broom. Being lighter helps to fly faster_ , Malfoy mused.

  
  
****I am NEVER doing that again!** **

  
  
_Oh shut up, we didn't die, did we?_

  
  
Hermione huffed and let him walk them into the changing rooms.

  
  
_We need to shower._

  
  
****Hell no! I am not getting naked in front of you!** **

  
  
_Pfft like I want to see you naked! You don’t even look like this so what’s the big deal?_

  
  
****They are still my boobs and lady parts!** **

  
  
_Why do you call them lady parts? Just say vagina or pussy_

  
  
****Urgh no!** **

  
  
_Aww, do you call it your little flower or lady garden?_

  
  
****No!** **

  
  
Malfoy started laughing, causing the Slytherins who entered with them to look at them in worry.

  
  
”She might be hot, but I think she is crazy,” muttered one of the boys.

  
  
”You take that back!” Malfoy cried indigently.

  
”Sorry you’re not crazy,” the boy said red-faced.

  
  
”No the thing about me being hot, I’m disgusting!”

  
  
The Slytherins looked uneasy and grabbed their things and left without showering.

  
  
****We are not disgusting! How dare you!  
  
  
** **

_We aren’t?_

  
  
Malfoy walked them in front of the steamed-up mirror and wiped the condensation off.

  
  
_Humm yes, I suppose we aren't_ , he said as he ogled the clingy Quidditch uniform sticking to their sweat-soaked skin.

  
  
****Stop that.** **

  
  
_You started it._

  
  
****And I'm ending it. You're such a child! Come on, I'm tired and I want to see my friends. I know Harry was out there with the Gryffindors practicing and they haven't left yet.** **

  
  
_No. No. No. You said hello and that is all you’re getting._

  
  
****That wasn’t hello, that was you insulting them!** **

  
  
_Fine! We say hello, then we go back to my room to change._

  
****  
** ** ****No, in case you haven’t noticed we are in a** ****_**_female_ **_******body, and I am female, so we’re going back to my room to change.** **

  
  
_Could have fooled me._

 

* * *

 

  
They managed a freshening charm in between bickering, and they approached the Gryffindor Quidditch team who were dismounting their brooms.

  
  
”Harry?”, Hermione asked.

  
  
Harry looked startled and whipped around to face them.

  
  
”Oh- hello”, he answered with wide eyes, glancing nervously at Ron.

  
  
"Can I talk to you and Ron, please? Something has happened and I don't think it will be fixed until much later tonight," Hermione pleaded as Malfoy scoffed in her head.

  
  
”Umm sure.”

  
  
Harry followed the Hermione-Draco hybrid, after shrugging helplessly at Ron, who also followed begrudgingly.

  
  
When they neared a deserted courtyard, Hermione motioned for them to take a seat on a bench. They did so and she stood in front of them and started to pace.

  
  
”So don’t freak out okay, but I’m Hermione in here. The potion accident caused this-”

  
  
”Hermione!” Ron jumped up and hugged her tightly.

  
  
”Ewww get off!” Draco answered for them and pushed him off roughly.

  
  
"Stop it Malfoy! Ron, I'm sorry", Hermione said.

  
  
”Malfoy?” Ron said as he whipped around trying to spot him.

  
  
”Oh look the weasel is confused,” Draco voiced.

  
  
Coming from the body of the “new” Hermione, Ron stopped looking around and stared at them with wide eyes.

  
  
Hermione let out a deep breath.

  
  
”Something strange happened and Malfoy is in here with me-”

  
  
"You WHAT!", Ron shouted, back-pedaling.

  
  
Harry, who was still sat on the bench, jumped up and tried to calm him.

  
”Hermione how did this happen?” he asked as he held an arm up to steady Ron who looked like he either wanted to flee or continue shouting.

  
  
"I'm not sure, but Dumbledore said it is likely from a mix of mine and Neville's botched Polyjuice Potion. He thinks it should wear off in no less than 12 hours though," Hermione voiced and winced.

  
  
”NO MORE THAN 12 HOURS!” Ron shouted.

  
  
_How on earth do you put up with him? He’s worse than you. And that is saying something  
_

  
****Shut it.** **

****  
********  
**** Harry looked bewildered but powered on.

  
  
”So you're kind of stuck merged together? Like what happened in 2nd year when you turned into that weird-”

  
  
"Yes, Harry like that!" Hermione quickly interrupted. She didn't want Malfoy to know _that_. It would just be another thing he would tease her about. And he already teased her about her hair, teeth, love of books…

  
  
_Don't forget your basic personality as well_

  
  
****Stop listening to my thoughts!** **

  
  
_Kind of hard not to when we’re stuck together like this isn’t it! So what happened in 2_ _ _nd_ _ __year?__

  
  
****Never you mind!** **

  
  
”Okay then, so what are you doing until you change back?” Harry asked.

   
  
  
****Oh, Harry and Ron are still here.** **

   
  
  
Malfoy snorted in their head.

 

  
”Oh we’re going to get changed and then I guess hang out in the common room,” Hermione answered glancing at Ron, who seemed to be turning a ghastly shade of green.

   
  
  
"In the Slytherin common room," Malfoy added out loud, only for Hermione to add on, "No Gryffindor."

   


"No Slytherin you annoying harpy!"

   


"No, we didn't agree to that ferret!"

 

"Yes, we did!"

   
  
  
”Wow this is weird,” Harry murmured to Ron, who looked to be on the point of collapse.  


 

* * *

 

 

 

Half an hour later, saw the strange trio in the Gryffindor common room. The compromise that they would hang out in Gryffindor's common room until just before curfew when they would go to Slytherin and spend the night there since Draco's father had paid for him to have a private dorm room. Even though Hermione was Head Girl, she chose not to have her own private room with the Head Boy, Anthony Goldstein, and so she still bunked with the 7th year Gryffindor girls. One reason being she wanted to stay close to Harry and Ron who were like her adopted brothers and the trio was inseparable most of the time. But another reason was that Goldstein was another pompous ass she couldn't stand sharing a common room with for a year. 

 

 **Small mercies you're not a Gryffindor** , Hermione muttered to Malfoy slyly.

   
  
  
_Watch it peasant or I’ll make us sleep in the same room as the rest of the Slytherin 7th year boys._  

  
  
  
Hermione shuddered.

 

  
  
_I thought so. Wow, your common room is a dump. Where is the marble? Where is the leather? Where is-_

 

  
  
****-the many snake-themed paraphernalia and creepy green glow? Sorry, we must have left it down in the disgusting dungeons** **

 

  
  
_Wait until you see my common room triumph over your dingy hovel_ , Draco muttered angrily in their head.

 

  
  
Hermione rolled their eyes and left Harry and Ron to make their way up to her shared room.

 

  
  
It was hard to locate her clothes since their eyes swiveled all over the room to take it in.

 

  
  
****Stop that or I’ll never find us anything for us to wear****

 

  
  
_Urgh, this room is even worse. The stink of flowers, the sight of pink and…what the hell is that_! Draco shrieked at a clump of orange fur barrelling towards them.  
  
  
  
  
”Ohh Crookshanks!” Hermione smiled picking up the orange clump and hugging it tightly to her.

 

  
  
_Get it off! It's going to bite! Does it eat people!?_

   
  
  
****It’s just my cat you idiot** **

  


  
_THAT is not a cat!_  Draco shouted trying to make them drop the orange demon and run.

  


  
****Stop it! He’s very intelligent and I don’t think he will take kindly to being dropped abruptly.  
  
****

  
  
Draco stopped his attempt to make them flee but winced as the ‘feline' dug its claws into their arm.

 

  
”Oh Crooks, I’m sorry for not coming up sooner. You hungry boy?”, Hermione cooed.

  
  
She sat him down on her bed and got some food out her bedside cabinet to put in his food bowl.

  
  
_Okay now that **thing** is sorted, can we hurry up and change so we can get out of here? The sight of all these girly things is making me nauseous  
_

   


Hermione rolled their eyes and grabbed some jeans and a soft over-sized knitted jumper with a large red H em-blazed on the front.  
  
  
  
  
_We are NOT wearing that monstrosity_

   
 

****It’s comfy!** **

 

  

Hermione closed their eyes and stripped off the transfigured Quidditch uniform to pull on the jeans and the jumper.

 

  

_Why do we have our eyes closed?_

 

 

****Because I don’t want you peeking you perv** **

   


After Hermione had finished dressing them, Draco changed the red H to a D in deep forest green with a wave of his hand.

   


_That’s better  
_  
  
  
Hermione couldn’t be bothered to argue. She just wanted to relax and hopefully get an early night. They trudged back down the stairs and sat on a soft armchair next to fire. Harry and Ron joined them on the sofa opposite. They eyed the D on the jumper with a frown.

   
 

“So Hermione, you doing okay?”, Harry asked.

 

 

“No Potter I am not, thanks for your concern prick.”

 

  

Harry frowned again and Ron started to turn red in the face.

 

 

“Sorry Harry, he likes to take over speaking most of the time,” Hermione said apologetically.

 

  
  
Harry shrugged, as Ron glared at them- though Hermione supposed it was directed at Draco.

 

  

****Wait- when did he become Draco in her mind?** **

   
  
  
_Aww got a soft spot for me, Granger?_

 

****  
Ha! Slip of the mind, clearly** **

   


_Sureeee_

   


The rest of the evening past in relative peace, even with Draco occasionally slipping the odd insult in to rile up Ron. Which looked to be succeeding, if his constant red face was anything to go by. As curfew approached, they said their goodbyes to Harry and Ron- Draco’s goodbye being; “later losers.”

 

 

Draco gave the password to Slytherin's common room, which was surprisingly ‘Black Sabbath'. Apparently, Professor Snape used muggle bands as the password each month. She supposed his condescending and abrupt demeanor didn't extend to his snakes if the password was something so light-hearted.

   
  
  
_He encourages us to listen to muggle music in the common room instead of just wizarding artists_ , Draco explained to her as they walked in.

   
  
  
Hermione hummed thoughtfully to that. The wizarding world had come far with integrating muggle culture since Voldemort's downfall in the 80s. She knew the horror stories of __that__  wizarding war, in which Harry's parents had fought and helped Dumbledore track down the mad man's Horcruxes to finally defeat him in a fierce duel in the summer of 1981. Thankfully not many people were killed, although a lot of the loyal Death Eaters were incarnated in Azkaban as a result. There was still some blood prejudice of course, but on a whole, the wizarding world was more welcoming of her blood type and muggles, though the Statue of Secrecy was still in place.

 

 

They ignored the stares of the Slytherins as they made their way to the stairs to Draco's dorm. Hermione kind of liked the marble and leather, but wasn't impressed by the green glow from the Black Lake through the large windows. The feeling of being buried underwater didn't appeal to her, and she knew that if she had to live in these dorms, the thought that the water might one day come flooding into the room would cause her anxiety. Yes, magic made sure that wouldn't happen, but she wasn't a strong swimmer, and her second greatest fear, after heights, was drowning.

 

 

 ** **Why doesn’t this turn into a slide because we’re female?**** Hermione thought as they made their way up the stairs.

 

 

Draco smirked and decided not to answer.

 

 

****Lovely.** **

 

 

 _Jealous I get more action than your uptight self?_  He teased.

 

 

  ** **Hardly.****

 

 

 They entered and Hermione was surprised how organised and clean his room was. The large 4-poster bed dominated the room with its emerald green furnishings. Surrounding it was dark wood ornate drawers, a large chest in front of the bed and a massive wardrobe, opposite the window which showed the Quidditch pitch in the distance. It was nice they were now high enough that they weren't underwater. She would be able to relax and sleep now.

 

  
  
_This is probably the first time you’ve been in a boys room humm?_

 

****  
A Slytherin’s room, yes.** **

 

 **  
** _Oh, do tell?_

 

   
****I think not.****

 

   
Hermione felt his irritation- and was that jealousy?

 

They picked up Draco’s Quidditch jersey off the top of the chest and some shorts.

   


****Why do you keep wanting us to wear your name on everything?** **

 

_  
Erm because I’m in here too?_

 

   
****It’s weird.****

 

_  
No, it's not._

 

   
****Fine. Whatever. Let’s just get changed and get some sleep. Hopefully when we wake up this nightmare of a day will be over and we will be back in our bodies.****

 

   
_If it isn’t, I’ll be going after that stupid goat_

 

   
****For the last time, it’s Professor Dumbledore or Headmaster Dumbledore****

   
 

_It’s my mind, I can call him what I want_

 

****  
Childish much?** **

 

   
_Shut it harpy_

 

Once again, Hermione closed their eyes to change and then marched into the en suite bathroom to brush their teeth with a spare toothbrush she found in the cabinet, because she didn't want Draco's "germs in their mouth", and then they climbed into the cool silk bed sheets.

 

****  
Showing your wealth?** **

 

   
_And having good taste._

 

****  
Whatever you say.** **

 

 ****  
****Hermione closed their eyes and started to feel drowsy.

 

   
_Hey, I'm not tired._

 

****  
I am. Shut up so I can go to sleep.** **

 

   
_Stop whining, let me read a Quidditch magazine or something, and then you can sleep._

 

****  
That will make me fall to sleep faster!** **

 

   
_Fucking fine, I’ll read a bloody book on Potions. No doubt you’ll stay awake for all that knowledge that gets you wet_

 

   
****Ewww, just because I enjoy learning, doesn’t mean I get off on it!****

 

_  
You don’t? Could have fooled me. All that hand-waving and sprouting answers for house points doesn’t cause your ‘lady parts’ to buzz?_

 

****  
Shut up you jackass, no it doesn’t!** **

 

 _  
Ohhh professor thank you for the points, can I come to see you after class for some extra credit?_  Draco purred in a deep voice, which shocked Hermione when she felt her stomach turn, not in nausea, but in excitement.

 

_  
What the hell was that? Did that turn you on?_

 

 ** **  
No! It was your voice!****  Hermione answered without thinking. She froze, hoping Draco didn’t realise what she said.

 

 _  
My voice? Hmmm, well if that's all it takes to get you wet I would have talked like this a lot sooner_ , he purred.

 

  
The zing happened again and Hermione felt their cheeks heat.

 

_  
You do like it, don't you? Want me to recite some facts about Werewolves as well?_

 

   
****Stop it you creep****

 

 _  
I don’t think you want that_ , he said in a deep, alluring voice.

 

   
****Read a damm book or I’m closing our eyes and going to sleep****

 

  
Draco laughed internally and swiped a book on obscure healing potions from his bedside shelf and began to read.

 

Eventually, they both seemed to be getting drowsy and Hermione closed their eyes and drifted off, knowing Draco wasn't far behind sleep himself. Hermione fell asleep thinking how weird the day must have been for her to now trust Draco Malfoy since no one had managed to cajole her into flying since she was 11 years old. And she most definitely was not thinking about his sinful deep voice as well. No, not at all...

 

* * *

  

Sunlight streamed through the light drapes on the window. Hermione slowly blinked her eyes open and looked down to see an arm wrapped around her underneath her very naked breasts.

 

 She jumped which caused the arm to tighten. She could feel a warm body spooned snugly behind her, and something hard digging into her arse. A quick look down under the covers confirmed she was back in her body- her very naked body. Which only meant the also naked body behind her was Draco.

 

She wiggled to try and escape his grasp, but all it caused was a small moan from the man behind her and his face to bury deeper in her wild curls.

 

“MALFOY!”

 

 He stilled for a moment before mumbling out, “Too early, go back to sleep Granger."

 

“Let go of me and remove your bits from my presence!”

 

 "Oh, are we pretending to be enemies again? Put a sock in it and go back to sleep", his gravelly voice answered.

 

 She decided to ignore the flip in her stomach at the sound.

 

“Malfoy I mean it! Get off!”

 

He suddenly pulled her flat on her back and loomed over her, while wedging a leg in between hers so his erection was digging into her hip.

 

“Do you?” he asked with a smirk looking down on her.

 

 Hermione was captivated by his mussed hair that stuck out in random directions and fell down over his forehead. His eyes were dark, and she felt herself being sucked into the mercury pools.

 

 “Well?”, he asked again.

 

 “Urmmmm-”, Hermione shook her head to clear her thoughts, “yes get off!”

 

 “Fine”, he answered before rolling off, but Hermione saw the flash of frustration in his eyes.

 

 It was surprising he didn’t once glance down to look at her naked body beneath him. He must have known she was naked like him, but instead just stared deep in her eyes as if he was looking for something.

 

 She watched as he rose from the bed and slipped on some baggy jogging bottoms from the chest of drawers, and sauntered into the bathroom. She could hear the shower running, and took it as her cue to leave.  
  
  
Just as she was putting on her socks, he entered the bedroom wearing just a soft fluffy white towel slung low on his hips, as he towel-dried off his hair. Hermione used his distraction to look at his body. Lean, but well toned, with defined pectoral and abdominal muscles that flexed as he bent slightly to dry his hair, and Hermione found herself unable to look away. She traced her eyes down to his deep V and found herself involuntarily licking her lips.

 

“Want a picture?” Draco said with a smirk, making her snap her eyes from below to his teasing expression.

 

Hermione blushed and busied herself with putting on her shoes. She rose and headed for the door, hoping no one was in the common room to see her leaving Draco's room. That was something she didn't fancy explaining. She noticed out the corner of her eye Draco approaching her. She turned as she reached the door to ask what he wanted when the look in his eyes made the words catch in her throat.

 

 He approached her like a sleek panther with rapidly darkening eyes, and only stopped when he was an inch away from her body.

 

 “I’m not going to ask permission for this because I’ve wanted to do this since you tripped me into the Black Lake in 3rd year", he calmly said before crashing his mouth down on hers.

 

Hermione gasped but quickly responded, kissing him back hungrily. What started out at first as frantic, turned more sensual as Draco slowed down the strokes if his tongue and brought a hand up to caress the side of her face, while the other rested lightly on her hip.

 

Too soon, he pulled back and looked deeply in her eyes, "Go to Hogsmeade with me later?"

 

 “Okay”, Hermione answered back quickly, still a bit dazed. 

 

 Draco smiled and chastely kissed her swollen lips, before pushing back from her.

 

 Hermione didn't think she had ever seen him smile properly, and definitely not at her, and she was shocked how it transformed his face.

 

 “Huh and all it took was a freak potions accident,” he said still smiling.

 

 Hermione opened the door and exited, but not before saying over her shoulder with a laugh, “Well at least now we know what our children would look like."

 

 She heard a laugh from behind her as Draco answered back, “Good thing I know you’re joking Granger or I would pull you back into here for punishment you cheeky witch.”

 

Hermione turned at the top of the stairs smiling, and goaded; “You wouldn’t dare.”

 

 Draco got a glint in his eye as he strode toward her and flung her over his shoulder as she laughed.

 

 “What is the saying about never ticking a sleeping dragon? What do you think would happen if I tickled a sleepy lion?” he mused as he slammed his bedroom door shut and threw her on his bed.

 

 The Slytherins waking up and making their way to the common room could hear laughter coming from Draco Malfoy's room, that sounded suspiciously like the man himself's and Hermione Granger's. They decided not to question it and put it down to just another weird thing that happened in Hogwarts, which seemed to occur on a daily basis. After all, Hogwarts was known as a place where all manner of Riddikulus things happened.

 

**_\--Fin--_ **


End file.
